My mind is a ship,

I have no life, I go to work, I run kids around after work, I go home...repeat.

No, my house is not shiny clean, the clothes are rarely folded and put away. But my days are long and often times stressful.

I never go out with friends because I have none of my own, I tag along when K is invited... I try to have fun. Yet somehow I get a raft of shit for getting on myspace when I do get home, like it's against the fucking law. I have 17 people on my friends list, all are either old high school friends, family and three of you are people I have never met, why am I being made to feel like a sinner because I want some time (usually time that K is holed up in his studio working on music)to myself doing one thing that I get enjoyment out of? Sometimes I am only on myspace for a little while, but because my laptop is in my lap automatically I am myspacing.

No I don't want K looking over my shoulder watching my type my lj entries, no I don't want him reading my unfinished/un-posted poetry, no I don't want him peeking to see who my recent myspace message is going out to, no I don't want him asking to read any of my online content... it's mine, am I not allowed some privacy... we share a bathroom, a bedroom, a house, vitamins, hair brushes, why must I share every word I type over the internet?

I tried making peace, asked what I could do or say for him to stop being upset with me and he said "I am not cool with you and myspace, I don't feel I should have to say anything else and thats it." So, I tried to mend the situation and now I am furious... he's gonna give me the silent treatment and who knows for how long... dum dum dum dum dum. I thought we were big kids now, but I guess at least one of us isn't and I am sure in his eyes it is me.

omg, if i have to stare at these bullshit major requirements any longer, i WILL blow a fuse!

why is this so hard for me?!?!?! it's like pulling teeth, only more confusing and not as gross...

i though i knew what i was doing and then the adviser confused me, so now it's boiled down to psychology (with deeply sincere hopes of graduate school; which translates to "slim!") -OR- Child and family studies with specialization in early child education (or) administration of programs for children and families (with deeply sincere hopes of graduate school in social work or education which would be somewhat easier than psychology)

ugh.

advice? anyone, someone...

I only need two classes to fill my BA req's so basically I'm just taking sociology/psychology classes because either of those will work for the two majors I stated above. So, I'm not too stressed out, it's just that I want to know exactly what I am doing, long term. I'd be happy with either, but I am trying to be realistic with my goals/ideas here. Even though by nature, I am far from realistic.

It is difficult being me... yet I love it.

i am up when i should be down, down when it's clear i should be up.
sad when happiness abounds, happy when things are so serious smiling shouldn't be an option.
crying when i should laugh, laughing when a funeral is in place....
content when things are amiss, amiss when things are content.
confused when things are simple, simple when things are complex.
running when it's time to walk, walking when it's time to book it.
mature when everyone is being a kid, being a kid when it's time to be an adult.

oh isn't it grand to always be the opposite of what it/you should be?

i'm struggling.

it's too hard to be happy and it should be easy.

Is it wrong to expect K to want to be apart of my college/career decisions?
Should I just shrug at the fact that when I try and talk to him about it, he gives me a blank stare and say something on the lines of "what do you expect me to say?"

... I just want him to care about something that I feel is huge. But he doesn't. I suppose when you are like him and have a wonderful job, er, "career", it doesn't really make a difference.

Anyway, it's decided. What I am choosing will take longer, inevitably. Ya'll can roll your eyes all you want, but I have to do this... why? Because my heart is driving me to it and although it may not happen as fast as I want it to or in a way that I expect it to, I will get there and it will mean the world to me and hopefully my kids; and that is ALL that matters.

I am lost and alone.

In a world where everyone around me is an established adult, here I am still searching.
Always I am searching, reaching towards some absurd ideal.

This is going to sound really bad, but I need to stop trying to challenge myself. By this I mean that I need to understand my boundaries (and everyone has them, in my opinion)and I need to stop forcing myself to do things that aren't reasonable within my life.

For some reason, I always want impossible things. For once in my life, I'd just like to want and get something that is actually attainable. Is it just me that makes a big deal about everything? Why do some people graduate from high school, go right into college and just become "someone" (career wise). I need some simplicity, but at my age I cannot afford to just jump in head first without thinking about the consequences of more mistakes.

Speaking strictly of a career, I want:
A job which will allow me to work with people.... specifically those less fortunate.
I want to make a difference in those peoples lives in a very visible way.
I want my everyday work to be something I believe in.
I want to improve my chosen field everyday, despite those who dilute its importance.
I want to go home feeling good about what I do, even if it's stressful work.
A job which will secure my future and that of my children.
I'm not asking to make a six figure income.
I'm asking for something that will pay my bills without effort and fear.

I know that no one can pick a degree or career for me, but can't someone out there care enough to help me?

I didn't make it to the meeting at the college. Surprise surprise. (Oooh I see "The Gargoyle" add..)

Anyway, I'll be fine without the seeing an adviser, sure. Really, I just wanted to go so that I would be even slightly more comfortable with whatever choices I will soon be making. Bah! It's simply a point of never being able to get away and take care of important matters. I miss Doctor appointments, I've missed study groups etc.... because everyone else has "something" they have to do as well.

"penelope" just ended and i thought it was sincerely endearing and awesome in every way.

K thinks i am crazy but i think James McAvoy is sexy beyond words :)
...especially in this character.

anyway, the music is pretty good and the story is hilarious and charming to say the least!

aaaah--

i love summer time.

tomorrow will consist of laundry and exploring the wildwood recreation site... camera in hand :)

so, as anyone will know if they read my journal for a few months. i get sick, a lot. this is, i think, the 4th time in 2008 that i have been ill.

i requested a vacation a few months ago, and i had 32 hours to cover 40. that was fine, except somehow because of some new rule, employees cannot take a day off without vacation pay, if they have vacation hours. so, now i am down to 23 hours. i was okay with that too...

until i got sick monday night with the flu/cold (as usual) and i missed work on tuesday. i knew i couldn't take the full 5 work days of vacation if i missed more time, so i dragged my sick ass out of bed on wednesday and went to work. my second boss said "you can just go home," and of course i declined. then my first boss came to work late and immediately told me to go home and rest. so i stayed for as long as i could (and hour later) and then left after working for 3 hours.

now i have to work on two of my vacation days, cutting my full 9 day vacation into 5.

i am so bummed about that, i just have such bad luck with the smallest stuff! but all the small stuff turns into one big thing!

grrr.

when i dropped my classes last october, i wrote about all the things i hoped i'd be able to do in my spare time. well, although the spare time didn't end up being so spare, i have been able to relax and enjoy life a bit more.

maybe i have taken it a bit for granted tho'. i didn't use my old camera, i bought a new one! i didn't scrapbook at all but i still want to, i have about 5 books sitting on shelves that i have started to read, but haven't finished. the one thing i did do, spend quality time with the kids on their homework. and it made all the difference, their grades went waaaay up. in fact Ally actually can read now (when she has her glasses on) and didn't get any bad marks, and Isaiah only got one and that was for his lack of taking responsibility for himself and his schoolwork.

no matter if leaving school was a good or bad choice, it was necessary. i know that. what will happen when i have to go back this fall? i don't have a choice this time, but how do i explain that to kids and the adults around me who have expectations of me? i guess i just have to learn how to take the punches i am so used to getting...

i'm scared, but i think that is normal. i just need to not freak out about it!

i had a dream that i lost my camera... actually i left it at a train station as our bags were being loaded up.

does this mean my photography skills will not improve? or does it blatantly mean that i will actually loose my camera eventually? lol

silly me.

i've recently discovered something; often times, we turn the people closest to us into bad guys because it may suit the situation better, however because it's a biased and somewhat "fixed" feeling/thought, it is really important to step as far away from the situation (as hard as it may be) and give that person a chance to be the good guy they have always been.
it's usually easier to give up, but i am choosing now, to face one of the biggest hurdles i probably ever will, and that is Myself.

something happened yesterday which made me feel foolish, naive, and yet now i feel free.

i can breath again.

damn the lessons that are discovered every day. i am grateful for it, and for being able to see who the important people are. i hope i won't forget again...

dear washer and dryer,

why the hell do you take so long to wash and then even loooonger to dry? i have been slaving away trying to get this place clean before my boyfriend gets home and it's very difficult to do when i am waiting ever so impatiently to put yet another filthy load of clothes into you. maybe if you were faster, i would like spending time with you a little more.... just think about it.

sincerely,
your house mate, tina

p.s hurry the fuck up!

K left this morning to work, obviously upset with me.
he pecked my cheek, said bye and walked out the door.
this may sound like the normal parting ritual to others, but ours is generally more of a practically wake the sleeping partner, tell them to have a blissfully wonderful day, that you love them and will see them later.

i tried talking to him last night about "stuff"... we had both been drinking, but it's the only time i can talk about anything with even minor importance. so, i gave it my best shot and i failed miserably. of course he feels like i'm even more of a whiny ungrateful bitch than before. i probably just pushed him further away.

guess, i can't get this right anymore.

maybe i'll quit writing about it, therefore i will quit thinking about it, thus in turn i will quit feeling it (all said in question). i'll try this approach if possible, i'll drown all these feelings and then maybe things will be okay..

the blueberries are bright and vibrant this week, it's nice to head out back and pick away!

on wednesday i went to a farm with for work purposes and we watched them ride horses, it's about 4 minutes away from my moms place and i'm thinking about taking riding lessons there.

would be fun.

even if it's just for a little while, i can volunteer there as well and just care for the horses. Mr. Anthony is my favorite old chap! you can see it in his eyes that he's had a rough life... and yet he's real gentle.

anyway it's something to be excited about :)

oh God, it's been a lil' bit since my last post. not much has changed....

i go in and out of sadness, confusion, regret, happiness, silliness etc daily.

we went camping this weekend, that was obviously a great time regardless of said emotional train wreck. there is something about being out there, the simplicity is so dramatic and just wonderful. i shall go again in two weeks, and i will revel in the awesomeness of stinky camp fires, and wild animals that scare the shit out of me while i try to squat behind a tree lol

still no progress with the topic of my last post, actually it has surged ahead and now i think i'm just drowning the feelings in order to "keep going." 'tis life. continued self discovery is amazing in the most obscure ways, but maybe with time i will eventually make it out with some sort of true understanding.

...if only i could stay in the cool breeze of the mountains, in the silence and serenity that i find when i am camping. all would be well in tee's world

went to hood river for work and it was pretty nice. i'm not sure how that would be called work... except for the part were i was responsible for about 11 elderly people lol

it was so serene tho', we mostly just drove around out in the country and it was great because the driver would stop and let me take photos of whatever i wanted. ipod was turned on, head leaning on the seat, camera ready to go...

the weather was beautiful and i enjoyed spending 7 out of 8 work hrs out there. it gave me lots of time to think about all this junk going on in my head... tho' i still don't know any more about life than i did when i woke up!

you know the lyrics, "my mouth is dry with words i cannot verbalize."

... it's true... for me.

for me, it means peace of mind. it means i can tell no one what i want, when i want with the kind of bad grammar that i want. it means that my heart will be less burdened. it means that i can look back on almost any day for the last 4 years and know exactly what i was doing and how i felt when it was happening. simply put, it's amazing!